My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious