6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
You Might Also Like
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me