[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.