British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I love the National Park Service.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?