Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook