Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
ugh not again
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Netflix and you sit over there.