Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.