One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
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Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?