In Canada they just call them geese
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[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
cat vs inanimate object
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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