Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
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An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
fr
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
☺️
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.