I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Solving a traffic jam
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.