Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
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Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.