There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Catercrombie & Fish
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good