Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I love you to the refrigerator and back
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
let’s discuss
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Otters drive ottermobiles.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?