So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My plans: 2020:
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
absolutely not
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶