Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.