If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
This story is comedy gold 😂
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this