Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.