My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals