*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”