If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
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What the hell happened here.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.