(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
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Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
so weird how every mom was born today
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Always…
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.