Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.