Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.