Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.