My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
what’s really going on
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.