If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I am also baked goods
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it