I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
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I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious