You Might Also Like
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.