Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat