At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.