12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
You Might Also Like
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I am laughing way too hard at this.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Buck naked
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
man i love columbo
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.