ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
want me to check your oil?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
there has never been a better use of this meme
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah