Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Just a friendly reminder!
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins