My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.