Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.