Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.