You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*