Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Flowers bee like
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating