When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.