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Mistakes were made
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
School be like
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway