Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
termite twitter scares me
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.