After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]