I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My wife gives the best headache.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.