Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut