I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate