[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*