Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*