If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
He wanted to make sure😂
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
This meal prepping shit easy
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.