Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.